


I Just Wanted to See You

by Lovethistoomuch



Category: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011), Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - All Media Types, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - John Le Carré
Genre: Goodbyes, M/M, Melancholy, Missing Scene, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24237874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovethistoomuch/pseuds/Lovethistoomuch
Summary: Before Jim went off to the mission in Czechoslovakia, he went to Bill's house to say goodbye.
Relationships: Bill Haydon/Jim Prideaux
Comments: 14
Kudos: 77





	I Just Wanted to See You

The smoke was heavy in the car. It was his third cigarette. Jim stared out of the window into the rain at the door. _Shit!_

He took a deep breath, inhaling the fumes. Then he put out the cigarette and opened the door. Efficient was a word that sprung to mind when looking at Jim Prideaux and he crossed the street in long, determined steps. As soon as he had reached the top of the stairs, he pressed the bell button. The short walk from the car had him wet already but he didn't shiver. He was completely still.

It took a while before the door opened. There he stood. Bill was wearing a light dressing gown. His face looked soft as if he had been relaxing. He didn't smile. He just stared at Jim for a moment. “Are you leaving again already?” His voice sounded sad.

It was a tradition of theirs to see each other before going on missions outside of England. Bill knew what Jim standing on his doorstep meant. At least he thought he knew

Jim just looked at him. All the wrinkles in his face, his eyes. This was worse. So much worse than he had imagined!

“Don't you want to come in? It's freezing out here?”, Bill said. He sounded tired, melancholy, as if Jim had already left him.

“I'm going to Czechoslovakia”, Jim responded. He noted the small shift in Bill's face: “Very important mission. Control gave it to me himself.” Jim's gaze became piercing, his eyes dark in the fading sunlight of the afternoon. “You see, they think there's a mole in the circus”, he went on, his voice very sharp: “They want me to find out who it is.”

“I see”, Bill said after a pause. The rain was still coming down heavy. It was cold. The warmth that had been radiating from the house when Bill had opened the door was almost gone. The air from outside was creeping in. Bill shivered.

“Why don't you come in?”, he said: “it's so damn cold.”

Jim didn't move. He didn't shiver in his wet coat. He just looked at Bill who looked so lost, with his thin robe.

“Damn it, Jim, just come in!”, Bill burst out: “Come in and get warm! I can make you a tea and we can talk. We can...”

“I can't”, Jim interrupted him. Stern, as unmoving as the house itself.

Bill took a step towards him, reached for him and Jim let it happen. Bill was never hesitant. He was a man who knew what he wanted and took it. His hands closed around Jim's open jacket and pulled it together, pulled him forward. As Bill kissed him, Jim closed his eyes. Despite his thin robe, Bill was warm against him. But with the warmth radiating from his body, why was Jim still feeling so cold?

He wanted to pull away but Bill grabbed him harder. Didn't let go. “Please...” he whispered: “Just come in! Just...”

Jim opened his eyes. Bill was so very close still. “I can't”, he said.

Bill let go. “When are you leaving?”, he asked.

“Right now.”

They looked at each other. Jim stern and Bill helpless. Suddenly Bill's expression turned into anger.

“Damn it!”, he hissed: “Damn them all! Why do you have to do this? Why!? Fuck England and Fuck Russia too!” He pulled Jim closer again. “Let's go! Let's just leave them! Let them kill each other! I don't care! We could go to Switzerland! Or any other place! Just me and you! And nothing of all of this! If we leave now, we can still make it, before anyone even thinks we are missing!” He suddenly sounded frantic and Jim stretched out his hands to steady him. It was so easy, standing here, holding Bill. But it was not real. Maybe it had been real at some point but not any more. What Bill was saying, Jim had wanted so badly but he had realised that he could never have it. Maybe Bill didn't even know himself but Jim did.

“I just wanted to see you”, Jim said: “Like always.”

“Don't go!”, Bill repeated: “You think I don't mean it but I do!” He looked desperate now and that hurt even more than indifference would have.

“I can't”, Jim responded. He brought up his hands to Bill's face.

“You cannot leave me like that!”, suddenly Bill's voice sounded demanding: “Not when I love you so much!”

“You don't love me!”, Jim said darkly: “But I love you, Bill. I always will!”

Bill's eyes widened. His face fell. He looked totally shocked. “How can you say that?”, he whispered.

Jim let go of him. “I have to leave now”, he said: “Lot's of things to do.”

“I love you!”, Bill said: “And I don't care if you believe me! I love you, you hear!”

Jim grit his teeth. “I heard you. And you heard me. I have to go.”

He wanted to turn around but Bill had grabbed him again, pulled him in and kissed him. Suddenly Jim realised that Bill was crying. “Don't you leave thinking I don't love you, cause I do, goddammit!”, Bill whispered.

Jim closed his eyes for a moment. He nodded. “Okay”, he said.

Bill looked at him, tears still in his eyes. “You take care of yourself!”, he demanded.

“I will!”

Bill let go. “I will see you”, he said: “After all this is over.”

Jim nodded

“Goodbye, Bill.”

“Goodbye.”

When he sat down in his car, his hands were trembling. He started the engine and drove off. Only a street further, he took a left and halted the car again. As soon as he was standing still, he collapsed on the steering wheel and started sobbing.

It was the last conversation he would ever have with Bill.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all your fault, [heroiccaptain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroiccaptain/pseuds/heroiccaptain) :D I had this story in my head for the longest time and never put it on paper. You finally gave me the motivation to do so!  
>   
> Thank you for reading and I hope you liked it! Jim Prideaux will always have a special place in my heart and I wished this story was happier.


End file.
